Why?

"O Lord, you know; remember me and visit me, and take vengeance for me on my persecutors. In your forbearance take me not away; know that for your sake I bear reproach. 
Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O Lord, God of hosts.
I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation. 
Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?" (Jeremiah 15:15-18)


This week was long and challenging. When God first began communicating with my heart as I washed pots in the pila back in 2000, I could never have imagined the journey ahead. I was doing the best I could to prepare myself to be a missionary but looking back I now struggle with whether or not I truly knew what the word "missionary" meant. More was it a romantic idea of rescuing orphans and sharing the love of Christ with them and less was it truly understanding that to "rescue" would require a real and profound amount of suffering. I felt specifically called to broken children but had no real understanding of where God would take me in that "calling."

It is not so much the physical concept in traveling from one place to another but rather the emotional, mental and spiritual  implication of moving deeper and deeper into human suffering. Almost two years ago I began the process of getting to know 160 children and their "stories." I sat for days surrounded by piles of "stories" as I tried to gain a firm grasp on why each one was sent to be protected and provided for on our mountainside. I remember feeling so overwhelmed trying to remember who was a part of a sibling group, in which house each resided and then there was the memorizing of their names....all four names. (never mind their birthdays - which I have yet to get right!) In those days I wept as I read "story after story" and was stunned by the horrible things each one had suffered but I can honestly say that I did not suffer. The suffering has come as I've gotten to know each child, their dreams, hopes and heartache.

The suffering has caused more questions than my mind can wrap itself around. Why the suffering of the innocent? Why the long road to recovery and restoration when such crimes could have been prevented? WHY?

Tonight my heart is broken for so many children and youth in our care who find themselves in dark places. My heart longs for HOPE for them, for a cure for their pain and an end to their suffering.

Sometimes it's not enough to bandage wounds....
"Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed;
Save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.
Behold they say to me,
Where is the WORD of the Lord? Let it come!"

What is this place that God has called me to? It is not Casa Bernabe or even Guatemala but it is suffering with those who suffer, weeping with those who grieve and it will one day mean dancing with those who dance. This suffering does not mean that I need to walk around in sackcloth but sometimes I wish I could just stay in and process before facing the next set of circumstances. So this season is challenging me to face the "whatever" and truly be a reflection of Christ. My response to suffering should be different than that of one who has not yet found hope in Christ. Our response to suffering as the body of Christ should be different!

More to come in Part II...