April 2, 2011

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in a bottle. Are they not in your book?” Psalm 56:8

Our mountainside has not moved, we are all still here but there is a sense of extreme suffering from the smallest to the greatest here on our campus. It seems like the past six months have left of spinning and as a result grasping for a sense of stability and hope. As I read these verses this morning they fell as a sweet rain on my troubled heart!  God is not unaware and He is truly the ONE who sees!

He sees the rejection, the abandonment and the sorrow. He sees the fear, the insecurity and the lack of confidence. He sees....

Last night during our nucleo I was so overcome by the Spirit of God to just speak bluntly and truthfully about LIFE and DEATH. I had driven up from the city moments before we began and just 3 kilometers before our house we came up on a terrible accident. I do not know how it happened but it was a gruesome sight. And in the moment I was acutely aware that there would be no medical helicopters for a rescue, no jaws of life....no those inside the cars would have to rely on the dozens of men who were surrounding their cars attempting to lift them off of one another. Then they would have to wait for the ambulances to take them to a national hospital, ill equipped for such trauma cases. As these thoughts rapidly flashed through my mind I could feel the Holy Spirit inside me saying, “I am the solution. I AM LIFE.” As I began praying out loud, I felt the Spirit of God so strongly in my being...I felt LIFE. God has used that accident as physical reminder to me of my tendency to seek solutions in all kinds of different places. But reality is that even the best equipped trauma center is ill equipped for the state of our messed up hearts. There is only one who can breath LIFE eternal into us and it is to HIM that we should RUN! I shared this experience with the girls and an excitement filled the room. The girls grabbed their Bibles and began to share the Words that God has spoken to them over the past month. As they read I couldn’t prevent the HUGE smile on my face, GOD is MOVING in the midst of such great sorrow and suffering. In school the girls are reading biographies of Great Christians and they’ve been stunned to say the least by these men and women and even more by their faith. One girl confessed, “I hate to read, I don’t read my Bible but I had to read this book. After reading it I can’t help but pick up my Bible and look for what these men and women found.” Please continue to pray that God speak clearly to our youth, that they encounter HIM and their hearts be forever drawn. 

This year has drawn me out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. Each day I encounter situations that I am not capable of handling on my own and am thus forced to rely on the Spirit of God. From driving challenges (may sound funny but Guatemala City can seriously test your patience and will to survive), to speaking in court hearings, to finding creative ways to love our children, I’ve felt challenged!

In the middle of one such challenging day I walked by the huge window in my office and saw BEAUTY and a bit of comedy! The toddlers where out on the swings playing and one of the littlest boys stole a toy from his buddy and a chase ensued. The littlest one ran with his head tilted, laughing hysterically and just about the time he realized that he had out-smarted and out-run his buddy his pants fell down around his ankles. I’ve never seen this little one laugh so hard and boy did I need the good laugh. At that point all bets were off, all anger subsided on the part of the buddy and they just sat and laughed together. Friends again...

This week I had a serious battle with fear. My greatest fear is that for all our GREAT programs and our wonderful staff and our Christ centered environment that we will not reach these kids, that they will grow up and walk away without a true, intimate relationship with the Living God. My fear is that in attempting to raise 169 kids that we miss so many little details that we actually turn kids from God because our relationships give a perspective of a distant and busy God. Please pray that God would open my eyes to opportunities to just listen to our children, that He would open my ears to truly understand what they are saying and that He would fill my mouth giving me words to express His heart for them. 

I have also experienced a deep fear in regard to those making laws for the littlest in our country. I can be passionate and quick to judge....also quick to speak up in “inopportune” moments and so in really evaluating each circumstance we find ourselves in where new laws and government entities are involved I’ve become fearful to say the least. I’m learning the law....something that is new for me and praying like crazy that God steady my thoughts and that He sort through them for me, closing my mouth when it’s best to be silent and opening it with passion when it’s best to make noise. 

BRIGADA is my passion! I love our youth, the opportunity to truly walk with these 45 kiddos through life and the chance to lead them to Jesus. This year our leadership team has provided more challenges than I was honestly ready for! At the beginning of the year I read a great book about shepherding and really gained a new appreciation for the art. I also gained what I felt was a passion for applying such principles in ministry but must admit that it’s not at all gone as I expected. This fact has brought much sorrow and confusion to me as a leader. I must confess that I feel like I know less about leading today than I knew five years ago, three years ago or even three days ago! Please pray for our team as we plan a retreat/service project for our youth. We plan to take our kids to work with a sister ministry, blessing their community as well as those who live in and around the dump. Please pray as we prepare creative and encouraging moments to share with our youth. Pray that their hearts would be tilled and that the WORD of God would fall on good soil. 

A short look back at 2000....

When God first led me to Casa Bernabe, I can remember feeling so led to be a part of the lives of these kids over a long period of time. I didn’t feel called to just come and bless and leave but rather to plant my life here, to grow with the kids, to walk through valleys and mountain tops with them. 

One of the first girls that I met was Nora. She was bright, genuine and compassionate. And through the years our friendship remained constant. Of all of the children that I prayed for daily she was a priority for me....I can’t tell you how many times that the Lord would wake me up to pray and intercede for her. This week she came to my office, a bundle of tears. For years Nora has dreamed of going to medical school but this past year she really focused on earning a scholarship to study at a medical school in Cuba. She applied and we all waited....until this week! AND the answer was YES! Nora got the scholarship and she is in CUBA! But before she left we had the chance to sit down and just cry together. This girl has gone from being on of our kids to being a friend, an inspiration and even an instrument of growth. Her story is so impacting and words cannot express how proud I am of her! As we wept together I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude well up in me that God allowed for me to see her to her high school graduation and now off to medical school! GOD IS GOOD!

Nora has fallen in love with her Savior and He’s sent her out as a remnant. BEAUTIFUL!  

Thank you for being a part of this incredible thing that God is doing here on our mountainside. We wouldn’t want to be anywhere else! And we couldn’t be here without you. Your faithful support each month allows us to do what we do, to come alongside our children and walk with them into the arms of a loving and gracious - ever so close God. 

Totally His,

Tonilynn and Stefan Steere

the market....

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE strolling through the market! The colors are so brilliant and the people so interesting! I can't help but wonder what each of their stories are....
The other day as we were walking with friends through the market looking for a hat for Stefan a woman approached us. At first I wasn't really paying attention but when she pulled her little boy's shirt up I was stunned and my attention diverted from our shopping experience to the plight of this child. I have no idea what his medical condition was but I imagine it had something to do with his colon. The open wound on his belly was huge, the patch covering it dirty and the family obviously in desperate need.
My mind has gone back to that little boy so many times! My heart is overwhelmed by the extreme need in this country. There is truly a deep spiritual and emotional brokenness and it is most evident in the children of this beautiful country.

As I listened to the director of another local ministry today I recalled this experience yet again. There are three types of people, he said. The first would simply ignore this woman and her child, never noticing the wound....the second would notice it and in disgust would move as far away from the situation as humanly possible and the third type of person would step back, take in the situation and ask, "what can I do to help?" In this environment it would be easy to become numb to the intense need, it would be easy to become blind, emotionally and spiritually to the broken and weary to our right and our left and it would certainly be easier to simply plead ignorance to the plight of our world, our families and our children. Harder is it to stand up and extend a hand of compassion, a creative solution or simply a shoulder to cry on.

This week as I plowed through my "to-do list" I realized my own tendancy to become so focused on the task at hand that I miss the world around. me. I miss the beauty of the market because I'm thinking about that store on the corner that may or may not have Dr. Pepper today. I miss the opportunity to laugh with a crew of girls on the soccer field because I'm walking toward one specific child with one specific word to share. I miss the joy in my own little boy's smile because I'm too busy folding laundry, making dinner and grading papers......

This week God has challenged me to do a seriously self-evaluation. I believe He's charged me with two specific tasks....
First, He's challenged me to take an honest look at those things that fill my heart and determine whether those things are taking up space that belongs to King Jesus.
Second, He's challenged me to stop and ENJOY! (I'm not sure that this is a new lesson....so I'm praying that it take root and produce real/lasting change in the way our family functions!)

Our lives here are busy....but they don't have to be consumed by our "to-do lists!" In fact they should be at all consumed by tasks but rather our lives should be consumed by a Holy, Jealous GOD!
More to come on this topic....

GRACE....

Lately I've been astonished by the GRACE that God so abundantly showers on and over my life. I see his hand of protection as I drive, I experience His PRESENCE in ministry and I also recognize HIS hand of discipline as I continue to journey on!

This week as I thought I'd loose my mind between my work in the office, ministry and Stefan's homeschool, I ran into some sweet ladies who quickly jumped to help! In a moment they became Stefan's own personal cheerleading team.....encouraging him through his tough material, making him laugh and helping him to not feel so alone in this battle! THANK YOU LADIES! Stefan said, "mom, seriously I think I thanked them a million times!" Here at CB we go through crazy busy seasons and it's such a challenge to balance life! We are grateful to serve a GOD who is so WITH US and who comes to our aid when we cry out!

GRACE defines my story and gives it meaning....direction!
"It reminds me that my life need not be imprisoned by my own rebellion, defeated by my own foolishness, or paralyzed by my own inability. God's grace is most powerful and effective at the moment of my greatest weakness."

Pondering GRACE, grateful for MERCY and just so glad that Jesus loves me! So grateful that Jesus LOVES us and allows us to journey together.....

Sounds of laughter and freedom to breath!

We've decided that we LOVE vacation time at Casa Bernabe! This week has been simply beautiful....lots of nice sunshine, lots of laughter and more blessings than we could count!

About three months ago we started working with a local business, Pricemart in order to provide ALL our kids with Christmas presents. It was alot of work and the folks at Pricemart were so dedicated and determined to make sure that our kids experienced the blessing of receiving! Pricemart decorated a tree and the ornaments were fotos of our precious kiddos. Members were able to adopt a child and provide for their needs, clothes, shoes and even toys. Yesterday was the day and it was AMAZING! Pizza, cake and presents....we asked one of our kids to volunteer to pray and one of our 7 year old boys prayed such a beautiful prayer, blessing God for providing and considering the desires of our hearts. So fun!!!

The kids got AMAZING gifts and we all felt so blessed! It was a great time for all!

Yesterday afternoon, following our Christmas party we took 20 youth out to serve in our local community. They took clothes, toys and blankets to share with the community around us. We prayed over families as we attempted to meet a few needs. It was an amazing time....really, really amazing! We are enjoying the opportunity to build relationships with the children of this community!

As we entered our campus the sound of laughter filled the air. Kids everywhere playing with their new toys and just enjoying laughs....It was simply beautiful.
We are enjoying a more relaxed environment and the opportunity to spend more time just lov'n on our children. Tonight we are just grateful, grateful for a God who sees and knows our hearts, grateful for family and friends, for blankets on cold nights and shoes for our feet! AND grateful for people in our community who have compassionate hearts and the determination to bless our 165 children!

"Stay Close..."

It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost history. As I look back over the past year there is one word that comes to mind..."BUSY!" I think almost every update included the word at least once and was so true of our reality! Over the past few weeks I've been so blessed to just sit, to ponder and to stew over our family, life and ministry here at Casa Bernabe.

In the craziness of raising 165 children how do we stay focused, how do we keep our perspectives wide...
I confess that my tendancy is to just focus on the little piece of life that is right in front of my face, a screaming child, a failed test, a critical supervisor, etc. causing my brow to forrow and my perspective to be slim. I'm thinking that this is not exactly how God has called or is calling me to respond to life. Self-evaluation is not fun but I think it's necessary evil, inspiring real change and deep growth. That said, I'm grateful for the many moments God's given me in the last month to just think!

As I've asked some really hard questions and recognized some really difficult things about my own character, God has not spoken in a booming voice or fixed me....though that would have been a splendid thing to experience. No, my loving Savior has given me one challenge...."STAY CLOSE to me!"

John 15:1-6
"I am the vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch of mine that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. ABIDE (Stay Close) in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

This passage has been a great source of affliction in the past but for today Christ is simply challenging me to focus on staying close to Him, on abiding rather than on the lack of fruit in my life. Those areas of my life and character that are such a challenge right now can only be corrected as the character of Christ bears up under me and reflects through me....and that can only be accomplished as I sit with Him.

In sitting at His feet, the truth of what lies deep in my heart has begun to rise to the surface. Not easy or fun to deal with but this week I feel more excited than ever as I feel the Spirit of God moving and changing me, empowering me to let go of past wounds and to walk in JOY! In my last post I shared that God has been challenging us in a serious way as we learn to shepherd our youth here at Casa Bernabe. As we desire to take them deeper, past cultural Christianity, the Spirit of God is challenging us too....allowing us to feel the heat of the fire as we sit in the crucible, willingly allowing the Holy Spirit to dig deep into our secret places, healing and burning off all that would keep us from reflecting GLORY.

So much more to share but for now dear friends....the challenge is this....STAY CLOSE!

Where am I?

Where are YOU? For the past bit I feel like God's been asking me, "Tonilynn, Where in the world are you?"

Life has been so busy and I've been on this unique journey that's truly left my mind looking a little more like mush and less like something functional! No, I've not taken up drinking or illegal drugs but as God continues to lead us toward restoration here on this mountainside, He's not just allowed us along for the ride with our young people but He's really challenged us to be active participants. As He works, His Spirit penetrates more and more intimate, hidden places and my mind reels! I LONG for more of HIM, for the FULL revelation of CHRIST in my life.

How often we miss it! I think that is the point of His question and I deeply feel that He's calling me to be PRESENT! Present in this moment, not planning or looking to tomorrow but rather, HERE right now, available to my beautiful little boy as he finishes math homework....Here right now aware of Stefan's intimate needs....Here just enjoying this moment!

As we journey toward RESTORATION, so often we're looking at our kids, their pasts, their challenges and we are looking for ways to love them to the cross. That in and of itself is not wrong or bad but I know that in looking, trying to be creative, thinking ahead sometimes I miss really precious moments to just be with them. I feel so challenged to just be....

Where am I? Well lately I've been caught up in alot of really good stuff but I've missed alot of really precious moments so I'm praying for balance in my life, I'm praying that GOD will continue to break yokes, to free me of my past and to guide me on this journey that's become so very personal!

Perspective...

Recently I wrote about the rain, it's abundance has left us overwhelmed. As I drove off our property the other day I was stunned! The gravity of the situation in Guatemala can be seen at every turn. The land cannot take any more water and as the slides continue I am reminded of God's faithful care of us here at Casa Bernabe. Life continues here and often the crisis does not penetrate our land....it's stunning really! Just a kilometer away the slides continue...

Here in our little room, thanks to Tony B. our waterfalls have been detained and life without buckets has resumed! In the midst of buckets, black trash bags and heavy storms I thought more than once, "what's next?" I'm ashamed to admit this as we truly are so blessed here. My attitude was certainly LESS than God exhalting and I found myself demanding my "rights" at the throne. "I've worked so hard all day, I'm empty and God I cannot share my bed with the rain!" As Stefan and I finally gave in and realized that sleep would not be possible beauty somehow flooded our room. There we lay with bowls on our chests eating apples and laughing away! Life doesn't always look the way we'd like it to, experiences are not always what we expect but when we are truly living surrendered to the KING of KINGS, life is beautiful! The more that we ask Christ to "REVEAL" Himself to us, the more conscious we are of our words, our attitudes and of eachother!

Tonight we watched a movie with some friends and were so impacted by three particular women in the film that were the town "gossips." It was amazing, before a word came out of their mouths we knew that they were gossips....their faces told the story...
I'm challenged as I look in the mirror tonight....what is the story that my face tells? What is it that those around me receive when I open my mouth? AND even more importantly what is it that Christ receives from this supposed intimate relationship that we share? Is HE truly glorified? Do I live more and more TOTALLY surrendered TO Him?

So I come back to this:
CHRIST REVEAL YOURSELF FULLY TO ME, TO MY FAMILY AND TO MY COMMUNITY. We are not content with what we've got....we want MORE OF YOU! I truly believe that as we plead with Christ for Him to "ABIDE" with us and as we truly seek to ABIDE in HIM we will see COMPLETE RESTORATION.