Ready to Soar...

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who WAIT for the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." 

Isaiah 40:28-31

Stefan and I met this beautiful eagle at the zoo in Houston, TX recently and were stunned by her silent beauty. While she'll not be taking to the skies anytime in the near future her beauty got me thinking about Isaiah. As Stefan and I stared at her, I couldn't help but think of her intricate design which allows her in "normal" circumstances to soar. This eagle is in Houston because she is wounded and can no longer life alone but rather has become completely dependent upon the "community" around her to care for and protect her. 

Isaiah paints a beautiful picture for us here....

He reminds us of purpose in a season of waiting through which God infuses strength, energy and determination. 

The word WAIT isn't a word we generally enjoy - at least I don't. And yet I can look back in my own life and see where God has used such seasons to put on display His own character while at the same time infusing me with the strength needed to survive the season. 

Here's the thing:

We are in one of those seasons and while I'd like to confess that I am trusting God, relying on His strength and wisdom or even waiting patiently - that would be a lie! I've thrown some good fits before the throne of God lately and have really wondered what is going on! 

Many of you know that we took some time to rest this past summer! It was GOOD! Stefan was able to spend the summer - May - August at my parents house, resting, relaxing, re-connecting with family and just enjoying life. I joined him in July for a month and while we spent much of that month getting caught up on homeschool we also began a season of reconnection as a family! And at the same time we were entering the great unknown. After twelve years of ministry, community and life with Casa Bernabe, God was clearly calling us out but He wasn't giving many details about where He was calling us to! And thus began our Abrahamic journey! 

Arriving back here in Guatemala was a totally new experience. We were not bound for CB to be greeted by the 150 children that we love so very much but instead were heading toward a small little cottage, alone. I'm gonna lie, we cried ourselves to sleep wondering just what God was doing. I wish I could say that things got easier but they didn't! 

• Several weeks after arriving we took a trip to Chichicastenango in order to train some dear friends in sexual abuse prevention. During that weekend, actually as I was packing up, Stefan took a "great fall" and ended up with 30 stitches and a few fractures in his right arm which would need surgery. 
• A week after Stefan's surgery we ventured out and went to the movies. It was dark and raining as we made the u-turn to enter our little community and we were struck by a drunk driver! (my first thought was - SERIOUSLY?)
• About two weeks after that poisonous spiders took up residence with us in our home and our roof began to leak - like we had a cool little waterfall happening in our kitchen!
• Two months after arriving back in Guatemala we moved out of our little cottage and into a house. 
• During the moving process our truck was hit and our dog was attacked! 

Seriously! So what is this all about? It'd be nice if I could end this entry with some amazing good news. But the thing is I can't - not in physical at least. What I can say is that even though I've thrown my fits and begged God for a glimpse of what is going on, even though I've experienced doubt, fear and struggle - there is one thing that remains constant - - my faithful Abba Father. He's not given answers but He's encouraged and filled our home with peace and joy. He's not shared the blueprints for our ministry/life here in Guatemala but He's directing our steps one day at a time. 

The amazing thing is that while our experiences over the past 3 months have been challenging, the words that God has spoken over us and ministered to us are words, concepts ONLY He would know we need to learn RIGHT NOW. Don't worry I'm not going to share them all but this one sticks out above the rest: 

God is working beauty and strength out of my deep brokenness and real weakness. In my weakness His character has the most potential of shining through. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." II Cor. 12:9

So maybe what I have experienced is GRACE....truck loads of grace in the last three months and I guess my hope is that in my weakness, despite my doubt, my fear, my fleshly desire to NOT SUFFER, despite ALL of that weakness - my hope is that God's power be MADE PERFECT in my weakness. 

"...He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength." 

that is my hope and prayer for you too, dear friend.

sincerely,

hopelesswithoutgrace

The battle belongs to the Lord...

"the battle belongs to the Lord..."

One of my favorite childhood memories our bedtime ritual. As a tiny girl my dad would tuck the three of  us in and read the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. Just before praying for the night he would teach us a new Bible verse - I suppose the hope was that even at our young ages that these words would be sealed on our hearts and radically alter our perspective and thinking. So today as I awoke yet again to a raging battle, God brought to mind that very first verse you taught us:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's."

II Chronicles 20:15

One of my new opportunities is to really dive into PREVENTION work here in Guatemala. I've been working over the past month with AMG (Advancing the Ministry of the Gospel) to put together a strategy for combatting sexual abuse in the communities that they serve. It's been amazing to watch the Lord open doors but it's been discouraging to experience the enemy pushing back on our family just as hard. 

Two weeks ago I was to begin work at AMG and my son fell from a rope swing - lots of stitches and some fractures in his right arm. So a week and a half went by before we were able to connect with AMG again to make a new plan! Last Wednesday I sat down with their social worker and we made a beautiful plan.....

Then last night we were driving home and were hit by another car - presumably a drunk driver. He fled the scene and maybe that was best but the damage appears to be severe - severe enough that we cannot drive the car. SO yet again I will not be able to begin at AMG tomorrow! I can't help but think that the enemy does not want light brought into his darkness and so he is pushing back so incredibly hard! 

We are so glad - so grateful that no one was hurt in the accident and that it wasn't worse. "when it rains it pours" and as Stefan says, "when it pours it floods!" that is how we feel! Overwhelmed and just praying for God's protection and provision in our lives.

Friends, there is a very real battle out there for the souls of our children. Satan knows the tools he has and he's not the most creative about how he uses them! We fall for his traps all the time and it's time that we stand up and fight - no, I am not suggesting that we take up literal arms against those who hurt children but I am crying out for the Body of Christ to wake up and take up the "sword of the spirit which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance making supplication for all the saints..." Ephesians 6:17b 

I wish that I could say that the enemy's darts - aimed at my family - have caused me to take up the shield but reality friends is that those darts have hit our flesh and we've been bleeding doubts: 

"Are we suppose to be here?" 

"Did we make the right choice?" 

"Is there sin in our lives?"

"Are we walking in disobedience?"

The word says:

"In ALL circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one..." vs. 16

So tonight as we prepare to live yet another unexpected, unplanned week my soul is crying out and with all my strength I am raising my shield of FAITH - 

Why?

"O Lord, you know; remember me and visit me, and take vengeance for me on my persecutors. In your forbearance take me not away; know that for your sake I bear reproach. 
Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O Lord, God of hosts.
I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation. 
Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?" (Jeremiah 15:15-18)


This week was long and challenging. When God first began communicating with my heart as I washed pots in the pila back in 2000, I could never have imagined the journey ahead. I was doing the best I could to prepare myself to be a missionary but looking back I now struggle with whether or not I truly knew what the word "missionary" meant. More was it a romantic idea of rescuing orphans and sharing the love of Christ with them and less was it truly understanding that to "rescue" would require a real and profound amount of suffering. I felt specifically called to broken children but had no real understanding of where God would take me in that "calling."

It is not so much the physical concept in traveling from one place to another but rather the emotional, mental and spiritual  implication of moving deeper and deeper into human suffering. Almost two years ago I began the process of getting to know 160 children and their "stories." I sat for days surrounded by piles of "stories" as I tried to gain a firm grasp on why each one was sent to be protected and provided for on our mountainside. I remember feeling so overwhelmed trying to remember who was a part of a sibling group, in which house each resided and then there was the memorizing of their names....all four names. (never mind their birthdays - which I have yet to get right!) In those days I wept as I read "story after story" and was stunned by the horrible things each one had suffered but I can honestly say that I did not suffer. The suffering has come as I've gotten to know each child, their dreams, hopes and heartache.

The suffering has caused more questions than my mind can wrap itself around. Why the suffering of the innocent? Why the long road to recovery and restoration when such crimes could have been prevented? WHY?

Tonight my heart is broken for so many children and youth in our care who find themselves in dark places. My heart longs for HOPE for them, for a cure for their pain and an end to their suffering.

Sometimes it's not enough to bandage wounds....
"Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed;
Save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.
Behold they say to me,
Where is the WORD of the Lord? Let it come!"

What is this place that God has called me to? It is not Casa Bernabe or even Guatemala but it is suffering with those who suffer, weeping with those who grieve and it will one day mean dancing with those who dance. This suffering does not mean that I need to walk around in sackcloth but sometimes I wish I could just stay in and process before facing the next set of circumstances. So this season is challenging me to face the "whatever" and truly be a reflection of Christ. My response to suffering should be different than that of one who has not yet found hope in Christ. Our response to suffering as the body of Christ should be different!

More to come in Part II...

Cultivating beauty....

This past weekend was so beautiful for our family! God provided rest, sweet fellowship and amazing moments of worship!

As I sat on my porch Sunday I was amazed by the beauty around us! Sometimes I take it so for granted but it really is something, not only the mountains but the sounds of sweet little voices and the pitter patter of little feet! As I sat in my favorite chair I noticed a new vine that is growing in several of my flower pots. About two years ago I bought this beautiful vine that was killed shortly thereafter by a cold spell. After trying to revive it I threw the plant out and started a fresh with different dirt and new flowers. Over a year later the vine has reappeared and it's BEAUTIFUL!

God is using that vine as a reminder that our work here may be long and may show no signs of progress but under the surface something is happening, roots are growing and in due time a healthy plant will emerge. This word is BEAUTIFUL and has been such an encouragement to my heart!

This week will be busy! I just received our weekly planning memo and there is so much going on! Please pray for us as we continue to invest in the lives of these truly amazing children!

April 2, 2011

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in a bottle. Are they not in your book?” Psalm 56:8

Our mountainside has not moved, we are all still here but there is a sense of extreme suffering from the smallest to the greatest here on our campus. It seems like the past six months have left of spinning and as a result grasping for a sense of stability and hope. As I read these verses this morning they fell as a sweet rain on my troubled heart!  God is not unaware and He is truly the ONE who sees!

He sees the rejection, the abandonment and the sorrow. He sees the fear, the insecurity and the lack of confidence. He sees....

Last night during our nucleo I was so overcome by the Spirit of God to just speak bluntly and truthfully about LIFE and DEATH. I had driven up from the city moments before we began and just 3 kilometers before our house we came up on a terrible accident. I do not know how it happened but it was a gruesome sight. And in the moment I was acutely aware that there would be no medical helicopters for a rescue, no jaws of life....no those inside the cars would have to rely on the dozens of men who were surrounding their cars attempting to lift them off of one another. Then they would have to wait for the ambulances to take them to a national hospital, ill equipped for such trauma cases. As these thoughts rapidly flashed through my mind I could feel the Holy Spirit inside me saying, “I am the solution. I AM LIFE.” As I began praying out loud, I felt the Spirit of God so strongly in my being...I felt LIFE. God has used that accident as physical reminder to me of my tendency to seek solutions in all kinds of different places. But reality is that even the best equipped trauma center is ill equipped for the state of our messed up hearts. There is only one who can breath LIFE eternal into us and it is to HIM that we should RUN! I shared this experience with the girls and an excitement filled the room. The girls grabbed their Bibles and began to share the Words that God has spoken to them over the past month. As they read I couldn’t prevent the HUGE smile on my face, GOD is MOVING in the midst of such great sorrow and suffering. In school the girls are reading biographies of Great Christians and they’ve been stunned to say the least by these men and women and even more by their faith. One girl confessed, “I hate to read, I don’t read my Bible but I had to read this book. After reading it I can’t help but pick up my Bible and look for what these men and women found.” Please continue to pray that God speak clearly to our youth, that they encounter HIM and their hearts be forever drawn. 

This year has drawn me out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. Each day I encounter situations that I am not capable of handling on my own and am thus forced to rely on the Spirit of God. From driving challenges (may sound funny but Guatemala City can seriously test your patience and will to survive), to speaking in court hearings, to finding creative ways to love our children, I’ve felt challenged!

In the middle of one such challenging day I walked by the huge window in my office and saw BEAUTY and a bit of comedy! The toddlers where out on the swings playing and one of the littlest boys stole a toy from his buddy and a chase ensued. The littlest one ran with his head tilted, laughing hysterically and just about the time he realized that he had out-smarted and out-run his buddy his pants fell down around his ankles. I’ve never seen this little one laugh so hard and boy did I need the good laugh. At that point all bets were off, all anger subsided on the part of the buddy and they just sat and laughed together. Friends again...

This week I had a serious battle with fear. My greatest fear is that for all our GREAT programs and our wonderful staff and our Christ centered environment that we will not reach these kids, that they will grow up and walk away without a true, intimate relationship with the Living God. My fear is that in attempting to raise 169 kids that we miss so many little details that we actually turn kids from God because our relationships give a perspective of a distant and busy God. Please pray that God would open my eyes to opportunities to just listen to our children, that He would open my ears to truly understand what they are saying and that He would fill my mouth giving me words to express His heart for them. 

I have also experienced a deep fear in regard to those making laws for the littlest in our country. I can be passionate and quick to judge....also quick to speak up in “inopportune” moments and so in really evaluating each circumstance we find ourselves in where new laws and government entities are involved I’ve become fearful to say the least. I’m learning the law....something that is new for me and praying like crazy that God steady my thoughts and that He sort through them for me, closing my mouth when it’s best to be silent and opening it with passion when it’s best to make noise. 

BRIGADA is my passion! I love our youth, the opportunity to truly walk with these 45 kiddos through life and the chance to lead them to Jesus. This year our leadership team has provided more challenges than I was honestly ready for! At the beginning of the year I read a great book about shepherding and really gained a new appreciation for the art. I also gained what I felt was a passion for applying such principles in ministry but must admit that it’s not at all gone as I expected. This fact has brought much sorrow and confusion to me as a leader. I must confess that I feel like I know less about leading today than I knew five years ago, three years ago or even three days ago! Please pray for our team as we plan a retreat/service project for our youth. We plan to take our kids to work with a sister ministry, blessing their community as well as those who live in and around the dump. Please pray as we prepare creative and encouraging moments to share with our youth. Pray that their hearts would be tilled and that the WORD of God would fall on good soil. 

A short look back at 2000....

When God first led me to Casa Bernabe, I can remember feeling so led to be a part of the lives of these kids over a long period of time. I didn’t feel called to just come and bless and leave but rather to plant my life here, to grow with the kids, to walk through valleys and mountain tops with them. 

One of the first girls that I met was Nora. She was bright, genuine and compassionate. And through the years our friendship remained constant. Of all of the children that I prayed for daily she was a priority for me....I can’t tell you how many times that the Lord would wake me up to pray and intercede for her. This week she came to my office, a bundle of tears. For years Nora has dreamed of going to medical school but this past year she really focused on earning a scholarship to study at a medical school in Cuba. She applied and we all waited....until this week! AND the answer was YES! Nora got the scholarship and she is in CUBA! But before she left we had the chance to sit down and just cry together. This girl has gone from being on of our kids to being a friend, an inspiration and even an instrument of growth. Her story is so impacting and words cannot express how proud I am of her! As we wept together I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude well up in me that God allowed for me to see her to her high school graduation and now off to medical school! GOD IS GOOD!

Nora has fallen in love with her Savior and He’s sent her out as a remnant. BEAUTIFUL!  

Thank you for being a part of this incredible thing that God is doing here on our mountainside. We wouldn’t want to be anywhere else! And we couldn’t be here without you. Your faithful support each month allows us to do what we do, to come alongside our children and walk with them into the arms of a loving and gracious - ever so close God. 

Totally His,

Tonilynn and Stefan Steere

the market....

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE strolling through the market! The colors are so brilliant and the people so interesting! I can't help but wonder what each of their stories are....
The other day as we were walking with friends through the market looking for a hat for Stefan a woman approached us. At first I wasn't really paying attention but when she pulled her little boy's shirt up I was stunned and my attention diverted from our shopping experience to the plight of this child. I have no idea what his medical condition was but I imagine it had something to do with his colon. The open wound on his belly was huge, the patch covering it dirty and the family obviously in desperate need.
My mind has gone back to that little boy so many times! My heart is overwhelmed by the extreme need in this country. There is truly a deep spiritual and emotional brokenness and it is most evident in the children of this beautiful country.

As I listened to the director of another local ministry today I recalled this experience yet again. There are three types of people, he said. The first would simply ignore this woman and her child, never noticing the wound....the second would notice it and in disgust would move as far away from the situation as humanly possible and the third type of person would step back, take in the situation and ask, "what can I do to help?" In this environment it would be easy to become numb to the intense need, it would be easy to become blind, emotionally and spiritually to the broken and weary to our right and our left and it would certainly be easier to simply plead ignorance to the plight of our world, our families and our children. Harder is it to stand up and extend a hand of compassion, a creative solution or simply a shoulder to cry on.

This week as I plowed through my "to-do list" I realized my own tendancy to become so focused on the task at hand that I miss the world around. me. I miss the beauty of the market because I'm thinking about that store on the corner that may or may not have Dr. Pepper today. I miss the opportunity to laugh with a crew of girls on the soccer field because I'm walking toward one specific child with one specific word to share. I miss the joy in my own little boy's smile because I'm too busy folding laundry, making dinner and grading papers......

This week God has challenged me to do a seriously self-evaluation. I believe He's charged me with two specific tasks....
First, He's challenged me to take an honest look at those things that fill my heart and determine whether those things are taking up space that belongs to King Jesus.
Second, He's challenged me to stop and ENJOY! (I'm not sure that this is a new lesson....so I'm praying that it take root and produce real/lasting change in the way our family functions!)

Our lives here are busy....but they don't have to be consumed by our "to-do lists!" In fact they should be at all consumed by tasks but rather our lives should be consumed by a Holy, Jealous GOD!
More to come on this topic....

GRACE....

Lately I've been astonished by the GRACE that God so abundantly showers on and over my life. I see his hand of protection as I drive, I experience His PRESENCE in ministry and I also recognize HIS hand of discipline as I continue to journey on!

This week as I thought I'd loose my mind between my work in the office, ministry and Stefan's homeschool, I ran into some sweet ladies who quickly jumped to help! In a moment they became Stefan's own personal cheerleading team.....encouraging him through his tough material, making him laugh and helping him to not feel so alone in this battle! THANK YOU LADIES! Stefan said, "mom, seriously I think I thanked them a million times!" Here at CB we go through crazy busy seasons and it's such a challenge to balance life! We are grateful to serve a GOD who is so WITH US and who comes to our aid when we cry out!

GRACE defines my story and gives it meaning....direction!
"It reminds me that my life need not be imprisoned by my own rebellion, defeated by my own foolishness, or paralyzed by my own inability. God's grace is most powerful and effective at the moment of my greatest weakness."

Pondering GRACE, grateful for MERCY and just so glad that Jesus loves me! So grateful that Jesus LOVES us and allows us to journey together.....

Sounds of laughter and freedom to breath!

We've decided that we LOVE vacation time at Casa Bernabe! This week has been simply beautiful....lots of nice sunshine, lots of laughter and more blessings than we could count!

About three months ago we started working with a local business, Pricemart in order to provide ALL our kids with Christmas presents. It was alot of work and the folks at Pricemart were so dedicated and determined to make sure that our kids experienced the blessing of receiving! Pricemart decorated a tree and the ornaments were fotos of our precious kiddos. Members were able to adopt a child and provide for their needs, clothes, shoes and even toys. Yesterday was the day and it was AMAZING! Pizza, cake and presents....we asked one of our kids to volunteer to pray and one of our 7 year old boys prayed such a beautiful prayer, blessing God for providing and considering the desires of our hearts. So fun!!!

The kids got AMAZING gifts and we all felt so blessed! It was a great time for all!

Yesterday afternoon, following our Christmas party we took 20 youth out to serve in our local community. They took clothes, toys and blankets to share with the community around us. We prayed over families as we attempted to meet a few needs. It was an amazing time....really, really amazing! We are enjoying the opportunity to build relationships with the children of this community!

As we entered our campus the sound of laughter filled the air. Kids everywhere playing with their new toys and just enjoying laughs....It was simply beautiful.
We are enjoying a more relaxed environment and the opportunity to spend more time just lov'n on our children. Tonight we are just grateful, grateful for a God who sees and knows our hearts, grateful for family and friends, for blankets on cold nights and shoes for our feet! AND grateful for people in our community who have compassionate hearts and the determination to bless our 165 children!

"Stay Close..."

It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost history. As I look back over the past year there is one word that comes to mind..."BUSY!" I think almost every update included the word at least once and was so true of our reality! Over the past few weeks I've been so blessed to just sit, to ponder and to stew over our family, life and ministry here at Casa Bernabe.

In the craziness of raising 165 children how do we stay focused, how do we keep our perspectives wide...
I confess that my tendancy is to just focus on the little piece of life that is right in front of my face, a screaming child, a failed test, a critical supervisor, etc. causing my brow to forrow and my perspective to be slim. I'm thinking that this is not exactly how God has called or is calling me to respond to life. Self-evaluation is not fun but I think it's necessary evil, inspiring real change and deep growth. That said, I'm grateful for the many moments God's given me in the last month to just think!

As I've asked some really hard questions and recognized some really difficult things about my own character, God has not spoken in a booming voice or fixed me....though that would have been a splendid thing to experience. No, my loving Savior has given me one challenge...."STAY CLOSE to me!"

John 15:1-6
"I am the vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch of mine that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. ABIDE (Stay Close) in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

This passage has been a great source of affliction in the past but for today Christ is simply challenging me to focus on staying close to Him, on abiding rather than on the lack of fruit in my life. Those areas of my life and character that are such a challenge right now can only be corrected as the character of Christ bears up under me and reflects through me....and that can only be accomplished as I sit with Him.

In sitting at His feet, the truth of what lies deep in my heart has begun to rise to the surface. Not easy or fun to deal with but this week I feel more excited than ever as I feel the Spirit of God moving and changing me, empowering me to let go of past wounds and to walk in JOY! In my last post I shared that God has been challenging us in a serious way as we learn to shepherd our youth here at Casa Bernabe. As we desire to take them deeper, past cultural Christianity, the Spirit of God is challenging us too....allowing us to feel the heat of the fire as we sit in the crucible, willingly allowing the Holy Spirit to dig deep into our secret places, healing and burning off all that would keep us from reflecting GLORY.

So much more to share but for now dear friends....the challenge is this....STAY CLOSE!

Where am I?

Where are YOU? For the past bit I feel like God's been asking me, "Tonilynn, Where in the world are you?"

Life has been so busy and I've been on this unique journey that's truly left my mind looking a little more like mush and less like something functional! No, I've not taken up drinking or illegal drugs but as God continues to lead us toward restoration here on this mountainside, He's not just allowed us along for the ride with our young people but He's really challenged us to be active participants. As He works, His Spirit penetrates more and more intimate, hidden places and my mind reels! I LONG for more of HIM, for the FULL revelation of CHRIST in my life.

How often we miss it! I think that is the point of His question and I deeply feel that He's calling me to be PRESENT! Present in this moment, not planning or looking to tomorrow but rather, HERE right now, available to my beautiful little boy as he finishes math homework....Here right now aware of Stefan's intimate needs....Here just enjoying this moment!

As we journey toward RESTORATION, so often we're looking at our kids, their pasts, their challenges and we are looking for ways to love them to the cross. That in and of itself is not wrong or bad but I know that in looking, trying to be creative, thinking ahead sometimes I miss really precious moments to just be with them. I feel so challenged to just be....

Where am I? Well lately I've been caught up in alot of really good stuff but I've missed alot of really precious moments so I'm praying for balance in my life, I'm praying that GOD will continue to break yokes, to free me of my past and to guide me on this journey that's become so very personal!

Perspective...

Recently I wrote about the rain, it's abundance has left us overwhelmed. As I drove off our property the other day I was stunned! The gravity of the situation in Guatemala can be seen at every turn. The land cannot take any more water and as the slides continue I am reminded of God's faithful care of us here at Casa Bernabe. Life continues here and often the crisis does not penetrate our land....it's stunning really! Just a kilometer away the slides continue...

Here in our little room, thanks to Tony B. our waterfalls have been detained and life without buckets has resumed! In the midst of buckets, black trash bags and heavy storms I thought more than once, "what's next?" I'm ashamed to admit this as we truly are so blessed here. My attitude was certainly LESS than God exhalting and I found myself demanding my "rights" at the throne. "I've worked so hard all day, I'm empty and God I cannot share my bed with the rain!" As Stefan and I finally gave in and realized that sleep would not be possible beauty somehow flooded our room. There we lay with bowls on our chests eating apples and laughing away! Life doesn't always look the way we'd like it to, experiences are not always what we expect but when we are truly living surrendered to the KING of KINGS, life is beautiful! The more that we ask Christ to "REVEAL" Himself to us, the more conscious we are of our words, our attitudes and of eachother!

Tonight we watched a movie with some friends and were so impacted by three particular women in the film that were the town "gossips." It was amazing, before a word came out of their mouths we knew that they were gossips....their faces told the story...
I'm challenged as I look in the mirror tonight....what is the story that my face tells? What is it that those around me receive when I open my mouth? AND even more importantly what is it that Christ receives from this supposed intimate relationship that we share? Is HE truly glorified? Do I live more and more TOTALLY surrendered TO Him?

So I come back to this:
CHRIST REVEAL YOURSELF FULLY TO ME, TO MY FAMILY AND TO MY COMMUNITY. We are not content with what we've got....we want MORE OF YOU! I truly believe that as we plead with Christ for Him to "ABIDE" with us and as we truly seek to ABIDE in HIM we will see COMPLETE RESTORATION.

Thoughts from under the rain...

There are those weeks, you know the kind...when it seems like emotionally, spiritually and mentally it's just one storm after another. I'm quite sure that's where the phrase, "when it rains it pours" comes from. Well it's been one of those months it feels like! And today I'm actually writing from under the rain...literally! It's been raining non-stop for a while now but over the past few days the rain has been long and hard. It's come down so hard infact that it burst right through my roof and joined me on my bed! We're talking buckets! And there was really nothing I could do about it! Except cry! So many leaks in my roof that there was no escaping it! No place to move the furniture...no way out! Thankfully today God sent a solution and for the moment our roof is holding under the pressure of the rain. But the whole experience has got me thinking....stay tuned for a future blog on this subject.

Stefan and I have started the 4th grade and let me just say, it's a whole new ball game! This year we felt so ready and we are just stunned at the difficulty of the material. Between video instruction and homework, school is at least a 10 hour day! Stefan and I are learning alot about eachother, our weaknesses and our need! In all of this I've been thinking about what it means to be a parent, the ups, the downs, the unexpected failures and the unmerited successes! I've relied more on the Spirit of God in the past three weeks in relation to parenting than I have in a long time and it's been so amazing to watch Him move among us...granting me patience and eyes to see....giving Stefan steadfastness and a willingness to learn. When we lived at Texan Hall we felt so blessed materially! We lived in this amazing 3 bedroom cottage and just enjoyed life. Our kitchen had a table...thanks Phyllis Salamy! Our porch had a table and those tables provided the awesome opportunity to fellowship together as a family! But in our one little room here we've struggled to implement our normal family traditions! And I had no idea how this was affecting Stefan. This past week we've begun to put our closet together which has provided extra space, we bought another chair and now are enjoying meals around a table....and what a difference that has made! We've laughed so much and that has truly brought healing and rest to our busy, busy lives!

Beautiful...

7 years ago I was sitting at my desk at Oklahoma Baptist Homes for Children, while my sweet boy was "signing the sidewalk"....making history at Casa Bernabe. Our hearts hung in the balance as we waited for God to move mountains to make our family a reality and now...GLORY!!!!!!! HE IS FAITHFUL! Each time I walk over Stefan's sweet little hand prints I am reminded....GOD DID THIS! AND He continues to be FOR these children...each one of our 162 beautiful pearls!

An update of sorts....

Our lives are crazy! I think that so often and then I wonder what I expected when I signed up to play an active role in raising 160 kiddos! There is truly never a dull moment around this place!

The month of August was so busy! So many exciting things happened....

Darkness 2 Light:

Part of the vision that the Lord laid on my heart for 2009-2010 was to be able to impart, Darkness 2 Light: 7 Steps to Preventing Sexual Abuse, training to our staff here at Casa Bernabe as well as like-minded ministries in our area.  After months of preparing and a very generous donation from Darkness 2 Light we were able to have our first two seminars. In two days there were 47 participants from 5 different organizations in our area. So exciting!!! This is a photo from the first day of training! I am so grateful for the time and resources to be able to impart this MUCH needed information. Since the training I have been contacted by several organizations hoping to host simular training sessions within the month of September. Please continue to pray for open doors to share the HOPE of Christ through these Sexual Abuse Prevention Seminars.

Baby M.:

Several months ago I sent out a petition in my weekly newsletter asking for prayer for a precious young lady in our ministry. Baby M. was born on August 11th to this sweet young lady and we have just marveled at the way that God has poured out provision through His people and covered both mom and baby in His love, mercy and healing. Both are home and we are looking forward to growing with them on this journey!

A visit to the National Palace:

On Monday morning the director of CB walked into my office and asked me to drive her to the National Palace on Tuesday to meet the Vice President of Guatemala....AMAZING! Tuesday we loaded a van full of 18 kids and 3 adults and began our journey! There was traffic galore, land slides blocking two lanes of traffic which had to be cleared before we could continue and there were car sick kiddos....but somehow we made it to the Palace on time! I'm not really sure what we expected, what I expected but I was blown away! The palace courtyard was full of children.....ALL of whom have experienced more hurt, abuse and neglect then words can express. I watched as one of CB's own took the podium. She stood as a voice for thousands of children who until now have no doubt felt that their voice was unheard. A.  challenged Ambassadors from around the world as well as the Vice-President of Guatemala to take an active role in preventing child abuse in Guatemala. She shared part of her story and led these powerful law makers in an oath to Guatemala's children. It was to say the least a powerful moment! There were 18 children in all who participated in the ceremony and in the end the Vice President pinned each one as Ambassadors of Peace. I watched as the this powerful man took time to listen to these children.....

As he went to exit the room one of our youngest little girls dunked under the Secret Security line and stood in front of the Vice President. As a member of security went to pull her out of the circle the VP put his arms around her and she asked:

Mr. Vice President....Do you believe in God?

YES. he replied....

Then I would like to pray over you....she responded.

With that the VP bowed his head and this young one prayed a powerful prayer over him.

I am challenged daily by our children, their boldness and their will to overcome intense struggles brought on by rejection, abuse and abandonment. As I watched this little girl I thought of Esther. With boldness she entered the circle and she proclaimed the name of the LIVING GOD to one of the most powerful men in Guatemala. BEAUTIFUL. Just beautiful! 

August 31, 2010

August is my birth month.....and this year God blessed me in ways I could not have imagined or even thought to ask! I've done alot of pondering this month, a ton of wrestling and on this last night of August find myself rejoicing. Rejoicing because Stefan and I serve such an AMAZING God who is to us, Father, Husband, Comforter, Provider and Protector! Rejoicing because in the midst of sorrow, there is joy, in the midst of challenges there are solutions, in the midst of failure there is GRACE......

Open Doors

 

"The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens." Revelations 3:7

 

The days and weeks seem to run together and more and more I feel like my head is spinning as our lives move at this fast pace. But last week as I sat down with my "to do" list I was overwhelmed by the amount of large projects and I just began to pray…Lord, not my will but yours be done in each of these projects. There was a VBS happening at my home church, Snow Hill Baptist Church in Tuttle, Oklahoma and they had chosen to highlight the work at Casa Bernabe and specifically our baby house. This meant sending pictures, videos and the like…however our internet decided not to cooperate making an easy task a long and frustrating one. There was this HUGE project with Brigada 40….that of organizing a mission trip to build houses for widows! Great project but honestly my faith was dwindling in the area of finances…There was the issue of this Sexual Abuse Prevention seminar that I am to facilitate in August but the material arrived late to team in MO and thus did not make it here. In each area I began to pray…Lord, open and close doors….

Tonight I am STUNNED!

We serve an AMAZING GOD who hears our prayers and orchestrates events that we couldn't even dream up to accomplish HIS purpose.

• The VBS at Snow Hill was AMAZING from what I hear! Brandi S. caught the vision for the baby house and did an incredible job of empowering our family in the Tri-City area to impact the beautiful babies that Casa Bernabe serves. We thought it would be nice to have a rubber floor for the baby house as our tile can be so unforgiving and through the faithfulness of children, our baby house will be REMODELED, including a rubber floor! THANK YOU SNOW HILL!!!! Oh, and the internet finally allowed us to upload….if you haven't seen the videos….please check them out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IzN_iyddzg or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA_OA-ATJFY
  
• Our widow building project has developed and grown so much over the past week. God confirmed that we have the finances to build 3 houses! This is AMAZING! The youth at Snow Hill have worked super hard and the community of faith there has been super supportive! They have raised enough money to provide a home to a widow in need!!!! And our team here will GET to build it and share Jesus in such a practical way! Living Stones confirmed that they will join us for the trip and will provide the financing for 2 houses! Our kids are super stoked about raising funds here…car washes, bracelet sales and the like will allow them to play an active role in this project! Dates have been set and the door before us is OPEN!!!!
  
• About a month ago I was invited to share my heart in the area of sexual abuse prevention at a meeting where orphanages from around the country would be represented. I was so excited although a bit nervous. The idea for a seminar was received enthusiastically and a date was set, however the material never made it down…frustrating! BUT God made a way and just today I received ALL the material in my office to be able to offer this valuable training to 10 different ministries. SO EXCITING!
  

I am so amazing at the way that God provides for us! His timing is perfect and His provision beyond what I could ask or imagine!

 

 

 

 

More on a mama's heart and surrender...

So this month has brought so many amazing opportunities with the girls on our campus! It's so fun to experience God move and change my heart with time! The first time that I experienced Casa Bernabe, God totally wrecked me but He did so through the sweet smiles and heart-wrenching cries of the three, four and five year olds on campus. Ministry looks so different this time around and part of the blessing of being a part of the youth here is that the youth now ARE those exact three, four and five year olds.

So one of the most enjoyable things I did this month was plan a retreat for our "Quince" group. It was SO much FUN!!! We are so thankful for the way that God has empowered Living Stones in Reno, NV to come alongside this group of young people to help prepare them for their futures.

The retreat has been an idea that has occupied our minds much of late and at the heart of it, the desire to address such issues as higiene, pure relationships and of course sex...the good, the bad and the ugly. We were so blessed by the way that God provided and pulled every detail together. The hotel that we stayed in offered bungalows with kichens which allowed for Quince to plan their meals and then we all went shopping together. It was great for the kids to come face to face with the reality of what it really takes, financially, to feed that many of them. They had a budget and the girls had to put things back due to lack of funds which was a really amazing experience. They talked through it...made decisions but in the end still ate like queens!

The sessions were informal which made for a family like environment and the girls responded so well! Throughout the two days I was able to connect with girls that I've really not known before and I was able to really build up relationships with others. Sometimes we experience things in life and we ask..."How could this happen? How could God possibly use this for His glory?" I've asked these questions alot in my life and honestly each time I think there is no way, God shows up in a big way, turns the challenges into something usuable in His Kingdom and gets the GLORY! I truly feel like that is what happened during our two days together. Every adult present was able to speak into these lives in such pivotal ways.

I've had some revelations this month that ONLY a LOVING Father could give. For the past five years I've begged the Lord for a house full of boys and the ability to stay at home and minister to and raise up God-fearing men. Well, I have two full time jobs, try to manage Stefan's homeschool and so the term "stay at home mom"....pretty much not a reality! However as I mentioned in my last post God recently opened a door for me to become a foster parent. While I totally believe that this is an opportunity that God has given, I have also felt Him gently nudging my heart, gently asking me what it is that I truly desire to do. Is it to be that stay at home mom....which would take a miracle by the way.....
OR
Is it to be a social worker, a youth worker, a disciple maker????? It is not that both aren't possible but reality is that it's really challenging to do it all and do it well. So tonight I lay my mama's heart, my need for reorgainization and my desire to serve King Jesus at HIS feet in surrender....
Lord have your way...not my will but yours be done!

Update on life.....

This blog background seemed perfect....even now as I type the raining is falling steadily on my roof....as the coffee brews and my two little ones snooze, I finally have a minute to reflect....to think back and the last few weeks.

It's been a over a year since Stefan and I answered God's invitation to join HIM here at Casa Bernabe and it's been an amazing journey to say the least. Each day is a new adventure that causes me to have to step out of my comfort zone, ruthlessly trust HIS sovereign hand and relinquish the control I so tightly hold onto!

About two months ago I was encouraged by a dear friend to consider what ruthless surrender looks like, to consider what letting go really would entail. Now, let me share that this has been a painful journey! One that is still evolving and that takes a new and different shape everyday! Honestly I felt that I was "surrendered" in every sense of the word....I mean really! So the first stop on this journey: PRIDE!
In researching surrender and trying to grapple with the concept that I was not surrendered I came upon a devotional that convicted me beyond words.

"Let God shine His holy light on the dark corners of you that you've never let Him touch. And tear up that contract you want God to sign; the one with all the ways you've wanted things to be. Give Him a blank piece of paper, pre-signed by you to do whatever He writes on it. You're at the end of your power and at the beginning of His. Surrendering is the way to winning, and powerlessness is the most powerful position in the world."

I was stunned as I read these words. A vision came into my mind of me standing before the throne with my contract, jumping up and down like a crazy woman...."just, please LORD sign it..." The Lord lead me to then cut out a heart and list upon it all my desires....all the things I was attempting to control.....all the beautiful plans I'd made for myself. And then I took out a plain piece of white paper and I signed it.....
I truly desire GOD to pen this story!

Fast forward a month or so and I am now mama to not one but two sweet boys! Not something that I had written into the pages of my story for 2010! Yet God in HIS mercy chose our family to be a refuge to a child in need! It's been a hard adjustment...much harder than I expected but God is doing an amazing work in our family! He's doing a work in our hearts, sealing His plan upon us and encouraging us to trust him ruthlessly!

It's been hard to balance my role as mama and my responsibilities here at Casa Bernabe. Hard to be what I need to be in all areas....tonight I feel broken! God has opened my eyes in the past days to the struggle that these little ones are truly faced with, he's broken my heart for our care givers who are raising not two but 16 or 18 little four year olds. Rejection, abandonment, FEAR and developmental delays make life so challenging! I can't see the future...have no idea what the Father is going to write but I know for today He's given me two sweet boys and I'm so grateful for the peace we feel in our home tonight!

Brigada 40

SO EXCITING!!!! A missionary and member of our youth leadership team made this video recently! 2010 has been such an exciting year in relation to our youth on campus and the vision that God has given us for them! It's been so awesome to watch them grow together, learn together and serve together....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA_OA-ATJFY

BRIGADA 40 Service Project

(Widow House built near Chichicastenango)

Since the moment we were asked to led the youth of Casa Bernabe, we've had a passion to see a new generation rise up among the young people we serve. A generation committed to recognize needs within the community and compassionately extend their hands to make a difference.  It's not difficult to see that the community at large is deeply in need. With the erruption of the Pacaya Volcano, Tropical Storm Agatha and other natural disasters the need in Guatemala is both profound and urgent.

BRIGADA 40 was privileged to serve Chimaltenango a few months ago through the sharing of beans, rice and the GOSPEL. It was a truly impacting experience for our youth group and we are anxious to again be able to give out of what the LORD has so graciously provided us!

We'd like to ask for your prayers as we prepare to journey to Chichicastenango with a group of 12 youth to build houses for widows in that area. The picture above is of a home we recently visited. Our hope is to be able to build 4 houses just like this one over the span of 3 days. We are so excited to have Living Stones from Reno, NV joining us on this project and have just been amazed by God's provision!

Our 12 youth will be working over the next 3 months in order to contribute to the project. As we prepare to invest in these 12 youth and build houses for 4 different families we ask that you would stand with us in prayer. Please pray that God would hand pick the families we are to bless, that we would be wise in our planning and that God would open doors for us to invest in these youth.

THANK YOU for your love, prayers and willingness to journey with us! BLESSINGS!!!!